Hurt...

It hurts so badly to turn down each time. But it seems that it's not within my grasp. Why should I keep carrying on? It will only hurt even more. I do not understand why it has to be like that. Do I have a second choice? I thot it will not be the same but it had shown me it's still the same. If it's gonna be the same result, then I should let it go. Cos that's not the result I wanted.

Honestly, I do not want to let go... but I do not want to be hurt, get hurt or hurt others... things just dun go the way  I want. What should I do...

Why cant you just try harder to convince me, why when I said so, you just go along with me... I just feel so contradicting with myself. My heart say yes but brain says no... I dun wan to be so rational!! I just want to follow my heart... My heart just cried... cos I didnt listen to it... It really hurts badly now...

The 3 Cs...

Convince, Confuse, Concuss.... Unable to convince myself in the first place, let alone overcome what is needed. Knowing running away and seeking shelter from another is definitely not the solution but else than that, I dunno what to do. At least for now I'm quite clear about that.

Both are not what I'm looking for and what I'm looking at. It's kinda depress to hear from the horse's mouth that "i'm like this, I'm like that..." What if I say I wan it this way? The reply would probably be "too bad..."

This one whole week was quite a struggle within myself.... I dunno how to react, dunno how to act, dunno what to say. Disappointment is once again and again. How long is this going to continue unless I harden myself and turn down all. Shut myself once again from the hurt. I know I'm going take a freaking long time to be out in the open again.

Why men are often so selfish... wont you just change a little for the sake of your love one. I understand the saying "Accept for who I am..." but not even the slightest change? Then what's the point of me adhere to your lifestyle. That's not me either.

I LIVE THE WAY I WANT IT!

I'm pretty sure my final decision is gonna hurt not one, not two but 3 person in total... cos you are not the way I wan it unless you can convince me that why I should accept for the way you are...

No surprise, no romance, no gentleness, no self-auto ARE EQUAL to please get out of my life. I cant live w/o that to be honest.

TREAT ME LIKE A LADY AND NOT A NECESSITY!!! 

New Chapter of my Life

Am I going to start a new chapter of my life in time to come? The feeling is kind of peaceful, serenade and happy. I have never felt this way b4. But on the other hand, I know that it's never easy to maintain it. I'm afraid too! I will neverless still try my best to maintain it.

Thots of the day

As the night settles... I'm here by myself, some questions came to my mind. What can I promise him? What can I give him? Will the end result be favorable to both of us? The results we both wanted. I do not have the answer now.

What is so captivating about this person I'm toking abt. Yes, his gentleness melt me. He never admit directly nor told me straight in my face that he likes/love me, but being "force" to write so over messages. Comfortable is the word he used. But that's not an affirmation. Everyone ard me are so comfortable with me. Does that means they all love me? Yes... Love me as a buddy, a good friend. Does that apply to him also?

I need a heavy duty commited person. Is he the one? I do not know. I'm still analysing, searching for the answer. Or I shld put it this way... I'm still searching for that prince to "save" this princess...

The person I'm looking for may never exists... I do not want to be a selfish ass by having him with me yet I can't promise anything at all. The thot of "losing" him makes me feel heartache. As long he is happy, I'm happy.

"One day if you decide to leave or a nice gal came along, please tell me and dun MIA out of the blue. I will understand. Just dun leave without a word..."

Almost 16 months...

I have actually stopped blogging for 16 months. Nothing much have changed. I'm still the same old me... The only things that have changed was some of my perspective towards life and my job. To a new sector which I was really against going in. Well, I still went ahead for the new challenge and see how far I can survive in this fake world.

Time really flies fast... shall update more in time to come....

Good answer!

Tsk tsk...

As usual this morning, my dog whined and barked as Ce and I left the house. While in the lift, I asked Ce a question...

Me: Why can't Sam stop barking when we leave the house?

Ce: He's a dog.

This is good enough to shut me up immediately and at the same time I was amused by her answer. She got my thinking cap on. It's such a simple answer and on other hand I have to think so deep. I feel as tho I'm asking a stupid /silly question.

Well, children are just so clean, clear cut and direct with their answers. There's no beat around the bush issues or the need to even think deep into why you asking me such a questions. It really beats better to be a kid rather than an adult. How I wished the time would just stop there and let me have all the laughs I want.

Ce's answers to my questions always left me amused, rofl and more stomach ranching giggles. Let me give another one. A few weeks ago, I asked her what shall we have for dinner and so on. I also called the man and asked what he would like.

Me: Daddy says kfc for dinner, ok?
Ce: No, tell daddy say mei mei (妹妹) say no.
Me: Like that also can ah?
Ce: Of course! (smiles happily to herself)

I burst out laughing in the midst of the crowd. That's a 6 yr old kid's reply. ROFL!!

Ewe ~ trembling wheezing

It really suxs when my lungs decided to go on strike these few days. From mild sniffs to the maxi sniffs. I was literally deprived of O2 and beauty sleep!! My fish brains can't work well. Not at this time manz... it's gonna affect my work and play time with my kids.

Officially declared by doc that I have "full blown" symptoms of asthma. That includes ectopic eczema. Every now and then certain area of my body will popped up with pin-heads like prick and the itch is there. The patch will be like burning hot. Sometimes I wonder if the patches causes my body temp to raise like nobody business.

Now the purple pump is being left isolated somewhere in the bag. I have to ensure that the blue one is always with me. It really gets on my nerve system when it attacks. At times, I can't even differentiate whether am I wheezing or was it my anxiety or both.. ~.~"