What's going on?

This blur princess here doesn't know what's going's on. He always mentioned events that are almost past over. I want to attend but he assumes that I don't want. He's scared of the nagging session but that does not mean i am too. I wants to make things work but he think otherwise cos he has nothing to tok (not to me but others). He didnt even bother to set the records right in the first place.

Everything is all about him lately. I'm no longer in the picture. Or was I too sensitive. I would rather they tell me or him that they dun like me, or just want me out of the picture. (我现在是一头“误”水了。) He's most willingly to be casted out together with me, but that's not what I want. Some people cannot accept who am I or my status but he's different, he belongs to the family. No matter what he does, what he had done, he still belongs there. I just feel wierd like an odd ball... no matter how hard I want to try, he blocks me.

Perhaps something was said but he do not wished to tell me fearing that will hurt me. Or was it something else that I didnt know. I may not be good at expressing myself in front of people I dunno too well but i'm willing to try.

It's so hard to have a normal family. There's so much things I want to say but so hard to put in words. Scared of rejection.

I missed my Dad dearly, Dad's the only one standing, supporting and assuring me when i'm down and out but now Dad's gone. I have to learn to stand on my own. Honestly, I just can't accept the fact Dad's gone. It's been a year and yes, I've yet to overcome my grief. Each time I think of Dad, my tears dropped. Each time I mentioned abt my Dad, my voice will just turn chocky..

I dun understand y ppl have a family and they just dun treasure. If only I can do more... if only i was informed of any events in the first place... guess i wasnt treated part of them anymore...

HIHI

okie, i know it;s been some time since i blog, there so much things i want to say or voice out but i know certain thing can be said, certain things i cant.

this classmate aka grp mate of mine sent me this song via the msn some time ago which i really want to hug n thank him. a kind of song that i like to listen.

there's so aplenty in my heart of which i cant rely or say it out. i'm no longer that big baby that i wished i could be....

ALL I WANT TO SAY IS THAT THAT I WANT TO BE INDEPENDANT! I MUST AND I WILL DO IT ~ THE "DOLPHINE WAY"!!!

Struggling is tiring...

I have been struggling lately. Struggling wif decisions on home, work and study. Tho it's a good thing to be so busy that it does take off my mind a few things. However, it reaches a point that gets me all frustrated.

At times I'm so tired that I wished I could just drop dead and die like that but I know I can't. I have two other mouth to feed. I know whatever decision I make, he will only respect. I dun dare to ask for his opinion anymore cos I know whatever he said is not be helping at all especially after wat happened yesterday. Some things I'm not good at puting it down but still I have to come to terms with it. I keep telling and "psychoing" myself that these are my own sets of issues / problems not others. Only I can help myself and no one else can. After my dip, I dun think I would want to go for degree tho I would love to.. but then again, I have no other help. Who's gonna tend to the kids while i'm in class? I can't possibly ask my friends for help. They also have their own families to take care.

While he do help at times but limited. I understand his job scope is more tedious than mine. Most of the time he's either at work or sleeping... how do I entrust things to him? Things just dun worked when we tok abt the issues and stuffs. He just won't believe it and in the end i was the one bearing the brut. It was not his fault tho... but I have oreadi highlighted long long ago... he keep saying it will worked out.. but it didnt.... “他说会帮我但有些还是没对线。” As much as he tried but it was his job that tied him down which i have predicted as much initially. Y he just won't believe me.

At times I envy those who have families helping them. My case is all abt time management but even tho i can arrange my time, my main concern is who gonna tend to the kids if I'm away... They are still too young to be left at home by themselves. The choice is upgrade when i'm in my forties... bleah...

Implants

On mon, I had the implants (screws) removed from my 5th metacarpal. It's good not to have foreign objects in your body for too long unless if it's that necessary. This metal is restricting my hand movement. So I had to had it removed to regain the full mobility.

The man was mean to suggest western food after the minor surgery and offered to feed me.. hmph... i would probably faint of hunger if he had really went ahead... we remembered there was a new chinese restaurant at Novena Square 2. So we tried out the place. I like the mini birdnest tarts... it simply yummlicious... I only wanted the tim sum, the man ordered a lobster noodle for himself... food is quite ok but the services suxs.

For two days my hand was swelling due to the bandage. It look like pig trotters. I had 10 days leave which I never took except on the day of surgery. I went back to work the very next day. I still have my left hand to use. I just cant sit still and rest at home knowing my work is piling up. I still prefer to work and take my mind of the pain. I can't take the painkillers as it will trigger off my asthma. I rather endure the pain than to have my asthma acted up like there's no tomolo...

NDP yes... again...more please...

Last sat, I went again for NDP (NE1)... hehe... the man passed me two red sector tickets at the last hour, i just couldnt resist. I love it when the whole lot stand, sing and have fun doing the marina waves.. blah blah... ROFL... Ooo the ushers to the red sector (VIP) was overwhelming. No rushing madness and queuing for goody bags. Walking to my seats was a total breeze. It was right in the middle. But then the skies was not so blue and clear, it was drizzling on and off. We had to wear our ponchos. I'm glad that I went... I saw rainbow... it's been a long time i last seen one. The grand finale was a HIT! It was raining so heavily but I stayed glued to my seat with my poncho over me. Watching the fireworks shooted up right into the skies in such a heavy rain was the first in my 31 years. It was fascinating... Tho my jeans was drenched knee high but it didnt dampen my spirit. Contrally, I was so excited, screaming away... hahahah... i'm such a baby... lolz...

The rain was so heavy that we (Me and Ce) could see the water gushing at the stairs on our way down. Oh my... i wished i was in my bikinis... i had to hold Ce so tight cos if she had slipped, she would had been swept away by the water and all the way down the stairs. It was not easy for a 5 yr old girl to brave thru the heavy rain and waddle thru the water that was almost her thigh deep. We were totally drenched at the bottoms. Well, she still slipped twice at the Esplanade, the floor was too wet. We can't cross at the traffic junction due to the rain so we had to take a detour using the underground pass at the Esplanade. She was literally hugging my thigh and refuse to walked any further. I had to carry her all the way till we reached dry areas before she's willing to come down and walk by herself.

We had our dinner cum supper at Wanchai (marina sq) while waiting for the man to knock off from NDP. Imagine yakking away wif a 5 yr old who had the nano on while eating and trying to converse with u till midnight at the cafe... it was hilarious with her ard. I just couldnt stop snapping pixs at her and laughing so hard until my cheeks ached.

Lately...

There are good and bad things revolving ard me be it it's at home or work... I have learnt not to take it too hard. Sometimes I can even forget what happened actually cos i just refuse to store in my pea brains. Tho I will still teared at things that happened but no longer that always dwell on the negative.

Just yesterday, I had to solved an issue at work but i couldnt think properly cos i was in tears. Luckily a colleague cum good frd was ard with me. She stayed with me till 8 plus in the office. I was oreadi not in the right frame to handle. It wasnt my fault but I was indirectly caught in the tangle and kena for nothing. Being in the front line is always like that. I wasnt mad at all... just feel pretty upset with what had happened. Hope everything will turn out fine.

After we done what suppose to be done, we went out to catch some drinks to unwind a little. The man came down to meet me but he doesnt really what's going on cos i didnt want him to know that I teared. I only told him there was some gritty shit at work.

Ahhh nvm abt the work. Oh yes.. i won a ipod nano in a contest.... hehe... so happy.. but it's gonna be for the man. He wanted the nano so badly... lolz... hmnn i was thinking to get him the stereo docking station to go with it... hehe

Cool hor... hehehe... this is so slim lor... maybe i shld go get myself one also... The contest is abt directing movies. If u wan watch the movies I created, go to www.chipster.com.my Click on the gallery, my movie is on pg 3 (Chipster freak), Pg 13 (No bonds rule & Dream On). Happy watching the funny clips. ;)

2009 NDP Combined Rehearsal 3

After a week of "grounded" at home due to asthma attack, the man had a surprise for me. He managed to get hold of the NDP combined rehearsal tickets. In fact I wasnt supposed to attend but my doc gave the go ahead after he had warned me abt the risk. My condition is still in between the cautious and danger zone, still on medication, I went ahead with the plan anyway.

Anything that was up in the sky was a wow wow wow.. lolz.. the very last time i had attended NDP was in secondary school days - the flash cards time... Neverless this time also a rehearsal, it was a full dress one. During the artillery firing, the smoke got in my way. I was coughing away quite bad. Barely 4 hrs after the last puff which i took b4 leaving home, my asthma acted up due to the smoke. Of course I had prepared my seretide. One quick puff and I'm back in the action!